It is upsetting when someone we love or knows us well sees us in a way that doesn’t feel true or positive, but just because another person (no matter how much we love them) relates to us as bad or guilty does not mean that we are those things. We can sorrow in this person not knowing us, or not seeing us correctly—without having to become the object of their blame.
Further, you do not need to convince people of who we are to be who we are. We need not convince them of our innocence to be innocent.
Can you be willing to simply choose to reject their projections, to return them to sender. The other day, I wrote a post about giving things back to life. Meaning, if someone throws hurtful and wounding words and emotions your way, give it back. Their projections belong to them; we can let them pass through us. While we feel and grieve the gap between who we are and who they see, it is not a gap that must be, or in some cases, can be bridged.
While we can’t control what another person thinks about us or how they may distort our truth, we can most definitely control what we do with their thoughts. We can’t control whether another person will listen to or be interested in our truth, but we can control for how long and with how much energy we will attempt to correct their version of our truth. We can also control how and if we want to continue in a relationship with someone who chooses not to relate to who we actually are.
RECLAIMING YOUR FREEDOM
In relating with a blamer, some important questions to contemplate are:
1. When I search my own heart, is my intention in line with what the blamer is accusing me of? (Am I responsible in some way for what they are claiming and can I look at that part of myself?)
2. What is my heart’s intention in this relationship?
3. Have I tried to express my experience or my truth to this person?
4. Do I experience this person as interested in or open to my truth?
5. Can I honor and grieve the gap between who they are relating to and who I am?
6. Can I allow their negative projections to remain with them, and not take them in as my own?
7. Can I let myself be who I am and know myself as who I am, even with this person believing that I am responsible for how they feel?
8. Can I honor myself as innocent even in the face of the guilt they are assigning me?
9. Do I want to remain in relationship with someone who sees me in a way that is out of alignment with who I know myself to be? If so, why?
A longing for others to see and know us as we know ourselves—and, of course, regard us positively—is integral to being human. And yet, we can’t always change the way another person relates to us, or who they need us to be for them. Fortunately, we can always change the way we relate to ourselves. No matter the narrative bore we face, we can always be that kind and curious presence—for ourselves—which wants to know what is actually true inside our heart, and thus to know us as we really are.
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